How to start
by CCAA
Summary: Just some little scene, that kept moving around in my head. Set some months afer 11x02. Slight Tiva
1. Chapter 1

Please feel free to tell me what you think, including all kinds of criticism and suggestions. Please be kind, english is not my first language ;) Thanks for reading. Enjoy!

CCAA

Disclaimer: I own nothing. If I did, things would have developed MUCH differently.

* * *

Unmoving she stared out of the window, not quite seeing the dusty surroundings, the trees cast in the golden light of the setting sun.  
She had no eye for it today. She was thinking. How could she not be?  
She had been for hours, days, maybe even weeks. And once again, like so many times before, she had reached a point where her thoughts were only moving in circles, coming back to the same questions again and again:  
What should she do?

He deserved to know. She couldn't keep this from him. And yet, how could she tell him? Just like this. After all this time. Unconsciously her left hand stroked the slight swell of her belly, while the other one turned her phone between her fingers.

Tony.

Tell him? Don't tell him?  
It was his. Theirs. He had a right to know. But did _she_ have the right to rattle his entire world like this? And rattle his world it would surely do.  
No matter how she turned it: It would always sound like she was expecting something from him. And she didn't. She had turned this offer down months ago. To stay with her. Change with her. She had send him away, broke all contact. Not a single word for months.  
And now...

How could she _possibly_ call him? Now. After so many months.  
What should she say?

The slightest of smiles tugged at the corners of her mouth as she remembered that night at the tarmac.  
„ _What should I say?" had she asked him, reluctant to call Gibbs and tell him she was not coming back to Washington._  
„ _Say hello."_

But this? This was something different.  
Hello. And then? How was your summer?  
No. She would not call him. She _could_ not call him.  
Decidedly she put the phone away. No phone call then. SMS? No way. Although it might actually be easier to narrow down on 160 characters: No space for explanations, just plain facts.

But there was so much to explain. So much to say. At least for her to assure him that she did not expect anything from him. That she just felt, he should know.  
She had fetched a sheet of paper and a pen, the white surface staring back up at her, mocking her with its emptiness.  
Great.  
Now, that she had answered that one question, that yes, she should tell him, there was the next problem: How should she start?  
It depended so much on it. For her. For him. And maybe them.

It took her long until she leaned forward and started writing.


	2. Chapter 2: How to go on

She wrote everything down.  
The words came slowly at first, she stopped often, hesitated, started writing again. But it became easier until at one point she didn't seem to be able to write fast enough to bring her thoughts down on the paper.

 _Tony.  
I am sorry to trouble you after all this time. I can understand if you have moved on and in that case I just let you know, that I am well and hope so are you and the team._

She flinched slightly as she wrote those lines, but she had to get this out of her mind before she could go on. Give him the chance to just throw this letter away.

 _There is something I think you have the right to know. Something I need to tell you.  
First of all I want you to know, that I do not expect you to do anything about it! Honestly. I do not mean for you to take over any responsibilities that you might feel you have. You don't. It just felt not right to keep this from you.  
I am pregnant.  
And the child is yours. I found out about four weeks ago. At least that was when I went to see a doctor. I think I sensed something before that and just… I am not sure. Maybe I just did not want to know._

 _She po_ ured out her heart about how scared she had been and still was. About what the doctor had said and the concerns whether her former injuries might affect the pregnancy. Her own doubts. How she had never felt so much fear and joy at the same time.  
She told him about the places she had been, trying to heal, trying to but the pieces back together of who she was and who she wanted to be.

 _I can not change the past. No one can. But we must accept it as it is and learn to live with it, not in it. There is a point when it is time to look forward. Not backward._

She had learned that in the past months. Had found the peace she had been looking for. At least parts of it. But now she had the confidence that the rest would come. If she let it.

 _I miss you. All of you._

Everyone back in DC. Her family. Not by blood but by the thing that probably was worth more than blood. Love. Caring for each other.  
She told him that although she missed him deeply, how thankful she still was that he had left. That he had understood her. That she needed the time and that she had do go this way on her own.  
For a moment she paused, reconsidered, than carefully told him about everything else.  
How she had begun to worry about her safety lately. Hers and the child's.

 _Maybe I am getting paranoid. Maybe I have watched over my shoulder for so long that I can not stop anymore. Maybe it is a part of me that I am not able to change, no matter how hard I try.  
I know, that Mossad is keeping track of me, but I feel that there is someone else. Watching me, following me. I am not sure it is safe to stay here at my family's house._

She told him that she thought about going into hiding once again, to make sure her – their – child was safe. There were many things she didn't know but at least she was sure about this: Nothing would ever harm her baby as long as she was drawing breath.  
When she had no more word left, she carefully wrote her name under the letter.  
Then, ever so slowly, she raised from her chair, grabbed the box of matches lying right next to the shabbat candles.

The flame was bright in the darkness that had fallen outside in the meantime, as she lit a match, carefully set fire to the pages she had written over the last few hours and watch them burning to ashes.  
Maybe she _was_ getting paranoid. But if she was right about being followed… It was too risky to write everything down black on white. Letters could be intercepted.  
Her instincts had never failed her. And she would trust them now, like she had always done.  
Which meant she had to be careful.  
Feeling calm and somewhat relieved after she had poured out her heart to the paper and made sure no one would ever read it, she could sit down again.  
It felt like Déjà-vu staring down at the pen and paper again, but this time she knew exactly what to write.

 _Hello Jean-Paul.  
It has been too long. I am sorry about that. If you like we could meet with Ilsa and Rick? I will be there next month.  
Sophie_

Satisfied. She folded the paper once, sure he would understand. It would be way easier to make contact when they were on the same continent let alone the same city.  
And then?  
Who knew.


End file.
